50 and Beyond: Dating After Divorce

I have to admit, I never really thought I would be here.  Divorced and Dating after 50...

After a 20 year marriage, the only dating I thought I would do was supposed to be IN the marriage!  But life changes things and you never know where you will be from one year to the next.  So after publishing my book "A Shopper's Guide to Dating" I began to examine my own dating, or lack of dating habits.  I found out a lot about myself and since I like online shopping, I recently looked at online dating. Don't panic, I am still saved!  I will give you the results of my shopping later in this blog.  In the meantime, here are some other things I discovered....

DATING AFTER DIVORCE

I'm not really a dater.  I am not good at it and I don't really know HOW to do it.  I do know that the expectations today are very different than they were years ago.   One thing I have found out about dating after divorce, is that what you want and what you look for is, or should be different.  Depending on your age, what you want is not the same as what you used to want.   As women, we know we have had our share of issues.  We may have been hurt, disappointed, used or abused.  But guess what, so have the men. Typically the men are asking for women to be over their previous relationship and not hold them captive to old experiences.  But the truth of the matter is that both men and women have to be open to accepting a relationship for what it can be, not based on what we had before.     Men have been hurt just as much, used just as much and abused, yes... just as much.  So being able to forgive and really love again is not  one sided.  If you want to date after 50, you have to first know yourself and be honest about YOU.  If you are not good to be around, or if you are needy, subject to fits of anger or overbearing... be honest... because those who are seriously dating for a good relationship at this age, will expose you! This age group is not as caught up on appearances, some are, but many don't want to repeat bad experiences... we don't have time.

SET IN OUR WAYS

It is understood that after a certain age, we are basically set in our ways.  This is not really a bad thing, but it is something we have to  think about.   Trying to change who you are is not even an option.  You have to admit that you nor your prospect should have to try to impress anyone outside of who you genuinely are, cause it may not change.  Age has earned you the right to be you and who you are is probably pretty much set.  When I signed up for the online dating service, I was brutally honest about my good and bad attributes.  I really do overthink on occasions, I am opinionated, hard headed, I don't do cigarette smoke and don't like a dirty house.  I also talk a lot. (as seen in my blogs)  Communication is a key to me being happy and feeling fulfilled, more than sending me flowers or candy.  I fall in love with open honest, intriguing, conversation!   So being around someone who does not like to talk or is irritated by my talking, would not be good for them, or me.  Now granted, I know there is a time to hush and allow others their time, but again... we have to be honest about who we are, what makes us tick and whether or not that fits with someone else.  I recently met someone who worked with numbers.  His conversation was  'YES' or 'NO'.  But I counsel people, so I go around corners and down the block... that was not a good match for me, or him.  At this age, we have to be honest... somethings work, others just don't.  There are areas that we are set in, that is not sin, so it is not really required to change.  We can always make adjustments to help a relationship work better, but at this age, trying to change for people is irritating; but being able to find someone who is also set in their ways and both ways work... is kinda cool. 

FUTURE DECISIONS

I recall in the past when thinking about a future mate it involved US... me and him.  What we would build together, children we would have and a life of love and growing old together.  We were encouraged to combine our finances into one household account, and to file joint returns.  It was the norm.  But at this age, there is so much more to consider!  

I have wondered how people handle bills that one has to pay off.  How do we expect someone to inherit debt when they have worked all their life to eliminate it?  What about insurance policies?  If you have lived with an understanding of what your children will receive when you pass, now what?  Does this new spouse govern how or if your children receive?  Don't forget about houses and living decisions!  If by chance, both of you own  a home, who sells theirs? This is one place where I wondered if a Prenup was appropriate to be used!   Dating after divorce and after 50 is not as easy as first love in your 20's or 30's. Even with all the questions and uncertainties, I still know that love is out there and answers are too, we just have to be serious about what holds value and not be scared to talk about the hard stuff.   At this age, we can't afford to try to be impressive and miss the things that matter most.

WISDOM 

Know that we are not kids anymore.  We may have thought as kids and acted like kids before, but we are grown for real now.  We should have put away childish things long ago. While dating after 50 being able to respect others desires and thoughts along with upholding our own is important.  Being able to be kind in saying 'no', understanding that all of us hate rejection and want to be genuinely loved.  Using wisdom when you may be exactly what someone else has prayed, for even though they are not what you have prayed for.  Releasing people with dignity is a sign of maturity. 

If they have children that are grown and raised differently than you raised your kids, understanding that the key words are 'grown' and 'raised'.  You don't need to give all your  parenting input on a job already done.  As you can see, there is so much that we can learn and need to consider when entering a relationship in our latter years.  If you know that you tend to lack wisdom in any way, remember God already said you could ask Him. 

OPEN AND HONEST

Truthfully, we should consider this at any age...

If you are someone who is looking for love in your latter years, I encourage you to not give up. It may not be found in a bar or even at church, but be honest with yourself.  How you talk and what you want is different and you have to approach it as such.  Have real conversation about real issues the things that matter the most to you.  We can't afford to get caught up on looks, sex appeal or material things.  At this age, there is too much at stake, everything you have built, what you believe and who you are is in the background biting nails -waiting to see what you decide. Choose well.

Oh, about my online dating experience...I found that online dating is much like online shopping.  Everything is not what it appears, it may or may not fit, it may have been made for someone other than you and it is easy to be drawn in by what something looks like or the description given.  I also learned that knowing yourself, your 'brand' and what works for you is necessary when you are not in the store.  Avoid looking for stuff that is faddish or just looks good. Read the reviews!!!  In many cases you can fall for what something appears to be, but you will always need one on one talks and contact.  You should also be sure you leave room for 'returns'... there WILL be returns...

As for me,  I really did find love on the site I subscribed to.  I found ME!  I found that I am a gem, I am okay, I don't have as many hidden problems as I thought, I also found that I am a surprise to some and a blessing to many.  I spent more time encouraging and sending notes to empower than I did trying to get a date.  I discovered I am not desperate, I need someone who will pray for and with me, that I don't do needy or demeaning men, I realize I am honest and because of that I might be gullible to games; I am not as difficult as I thought, and I discovered that I LIKE ME!  Writing my profile alone made me want a better relationship with ME!  So, I am good for now and feeling really encouraged about the experience.  It also sent me back to what I know is real love.... 

(to be continued as developments arise) 

A Shopper's Guide to Dating GET YOUR COPY!
https://www.wisdomspeakstoday.com/