#MeToo- Battling Sexual Assault: The Lies #2

Liars are interesting people.  I'm not referring to the people who tell an occasional lie about whether or not that outfit looks good on you, or the exaggerations in retelling a story; I mean those who are PROFESSIONAL LIARS, the ones who don't even realize they are doing it.  See a good liar believes their own lie, they are so convincing that even when you know the truth, they can get you to question if you misunderstood them.  They are so good at juggling truth and fiction that they can answer a test question thrown at them quickly, without blinking, thinking or breaking a sweat... a real liar is that good.

When dealing with sexual assault, you would be surprised at the lies we believe, and most don’t come from the perpetrator. 

THE LIES WE BELIEVE

Everyone understands the lie of victim blaming.  We have heard and seen it portrayed in real life so we kind of get the fact that the person who is in the wrong, may try to push the blame on the victim.  Whether it is the normal things said, or the way you made them feel, or even if you didn’t really say “NO”.  These are the normal lies, we know them, we have seen them, we try to overcome them.  But there is a whole different type of lie I want to deal with today. If you have ever been a victim of sexual assault/molestation, you will know what I am talking about.  

The biggest lies we believe are the ones we tell ourselves. 

After growing past the initial incident of sexual assault, I kind of went on with life as I knew it.   I didn't realize the baggage I was carrying mainly because no one was available to tell me.  (see previous blog #1 "Battling Sexual Assault"...Tell Someone")   
As a kid in school, I had issues where boys were not really attracted to me, so I just made them friends.   I managed to make it through High School without any 'consensual encounters', and I was glad about that, but it still bothered me, because it looked like the narrative in my head.  As a young adult, that feeling didn't change but  it turned into "Something is wrong with me, and I can't have children."  Understand NOBODY told me that, I hadn't visited a doctor, hadn't read any articles nor had I received any insight concerning the matter.  Since I was not sexually active in High School, I didn’t have anything that could make me think that it was true.  So  what did I do?  I did test runs... unprotected sex with different men in my early 20's. I even told some of them that I couldn't have kids, I believed the lie that bad.  I was not thinking about how many unmarried mothers were out there.  I didn't care, about that, the lie in my head had me making decisions that were not safe, not wise and it wasn't until AIDS came around that I thought about my actions and changed. (Thank you Jesus for GRACE and MERCY)   

Not being able to have children was simply a lie I told myself, and I believed it. It wasn’t until I was married and expecting my first child that I realized it was not true.

MORE LIES

Over the years I have heard stories from men and women alike and they too  believed lies. A woman that believed that her body was to be available for all men, she thought that was being biblically submissive. Not realizing the bible never said for women to submit to men- just to their 'own husband.'  Another who was so hurt by a man that she decided no man would ever touch her again, now she craves the arms of another woman.  Other lies included a man who continually denied any negative affect from being molested by babysitters, because it felt good.  He now feels that his current state of promiscuity is a blessing because of all the women he has been with.  The sad thing is that he is unaware of what they stole from him, and since he has never seen it, he no longer looks for it.  One of the biggest lies is thinking that you will never enjoy a full ,whole relationship. That lie will make you settle for things less satisfying  and cause you to Live and Love in mediocrity. 

How long will you allow the enemy to talk to you?  How long will you believe the lie in your head? I don’t know what your lie is, but I had plenty. Things that made me feel like something was wrong, that I was undesirable or that my body was unable to operate in God’s original design.  The funny thing about lies is that they are made up of words... and you can form your world with them. 

HEALING FROM LIES

As a young Christian, I had the privilege of being connected to really good churches, and strong believers.  That allowed me early on to understand who God said I was, and who He created me to be.  I understood I was not to blame for what happened to me, I grew to no longer be a victim, but a victor!  I learned to recognize when those old lies were trying to show their face again.  You have to stay on top of who you are, because the devil is sneaky.  He will jump in the middle of an interview, a conversation with a coworker, an argument with your loved ones or while enjoying a movie on a peaceful day. Stay diligent in understanding your great worth in Christ.  

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The greatest lesson I learned was that I am made in God's image and likeness, so I can frame my world with my words.  I choose to replace any lie with the truth of God's word.  I choose daily to believe it, to confess it and to walk in the truth.  The best way to defeat the lies you have told yourself, is to hear the truth that God says about you! Don’t allow the lies of the enemy to govern your life because they are really his lies, not yours, don’t accept them. The devil is one of those 'good liars', but remember... he is still a LIAR, don't believe him.  You deserve to enjoy your life, to live free from any and every bondage, because Christ has set you free. Be free!

#MeToo- Battling Sexual Assault- #1

It is the thing some families avoid talking about.  Why?  Because they know it happened, and nothing was done. 

It is the thing companies try to act like they don't know.  Why? Because those in power have power to make you pay.

It is the thing that some people who have been through it, refuse to talk about. Why?  The SHAME that it involves.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

This act holds so much power because it hits so many emotional levels.  All the way from shame to satisfaction... depending on which end of it you are on.  Many who have not experienced it will often victim blame.  It is easy to make someone feel as though your attire or friendly nature had something to do with it; or maybe you were in a place you should not have been.  Those are the very thoughts that make people buy into blaming themselves for a crime committed against them.  No one wants to stand before a judge with an attorney who is paid to defend the person who hurt them, and have to answer hard questions.   What questions will they ask?  What accusations will come up?  What if I really do have a sorted past?  Then what....  Not worth it.

MY STORY

In these next few blogs, I want to share a few things I have learned about effects of Sexual Assault from my experiences and those of people I have counseled over the years.  Everyone may not have the same issues, some may be experiencing much worst, some may be doing better. Every act hits us differently, if these simple blogs and thoughts can help anyone, it is worth sharing.

 

I can talk openly about this because as a child, I was violated... in my own house, taken from my own bed with my siblings sleeping and my mother in another room nearby.  The man who took me accompanied her friend, and was sleeping in the guest room.  I can talk about this now because she is no longer with us and the perpetrator has been deceased for years.  You may wonder why I would wait this long to say anything.  You may wonder why I didn't run and talk to my mother when she was alive, after all she was a police officer!  She owned a loaded gun! She could have held him until her coworkers showed up, or better yet..... didn't I say she had a gun?... anyway. 

 

Aside from not wanting to give her anything to be upset about.. I honestly didn't realize at my young age that it was wrong.  I knew SOMETHING was wrong, but I didn't connect it as being a crime until much later.  Remember, we didn't talk about sexual assault on TV, there was no 'Stranger Danger" taught in schools.  It wasn't until someone that I spoke to told me "If you don't do this... I will tell your mom what you let that man do to you." ..That was when it dawned on me, something was VERY wrong.  By then, I thought it was my fault and at that point, I told no one else.  So, I lived until she passed away with her not knowing about the encounter in the guest room of our home. 

 

I don't blame my mother for what happened to me, nor do I wonder why she didn't know.  She didn't know because I didn't tell. 

THE TAKEAWAY

 The first thing I would encourage you to do, is to TELL SOMEONE.  Don't go years holding something that you know is hurting you.  Years of trying to understand why you have difficulty connecting with people of the opposite sex, or why you connect WAY too well.  Especially for the men, sexual assault is not limited to women, though we may talk about it more.  For men the embarrassment can be too much to say anything, especially if somehow your body told you that you enjoyed it.  That alone can make you discount yourself from being a 'victim'.  But if anyone does anything to anybody without their consent, understand, it is still wrong.

 

You may have to go outside your family or workplace to find someone to talk to.  The dynamics of family is weird, there are already so many issues and strains on relationships that the response may not be what you expect.  In a workplace, there may not be channels open to report things, some of those channels may be clogged by people who do not want the company name tainted.  Either way, you have to do what is best for you.  Your concern is- your health and wholeness which is more important than worrying about what people think.  If you have been Sexually Assaulted in any way, you have the right to tell someone.  TELL SOMEONE.

 

#metoo