Faithful to a Fault!

"You have been faithful to a fault!" Those words hit me kinda hard.  My mind wandered for a moment and I recall thinking.. "I don't think that was meant as a compliment."  Trust me, it wasn't.  Selah.  

I am one of those people that you either like, or you don't. People who really know me, have a better chance.  On this occasion I was in a meeting with someone I thought knew me well -when they uttered those words to me.   The meeting itself was not a good one, but I didn't really expect it to get personal before it ended, since I was not the original topic. 

A PATTERN

This was not the first time I'd heard something like this.  I've heard it from loved ones who didn't understand why we paid child support every month -when the kids lived with us.  I heard it when things in my marriage got challenging.  I heard it when a woman I have tried to help for 16 years, showed up to talk again- to the dismay of many around me.  I heard it from a long time acquaintance who said I was an 'Enabler."  I didn't like that one... then a counselor told me the SAME THING!  Humph... I should have fired him!  Since this often came from people who didn't know me, it was easy to dismiss but since then I have heard it from people who do know me.

SELF EXAMINATION 

When something does not sit well with me, I no longer just dismiss it, I go to God. I need to see if I am part of the problems people around me are dealing with or if there is something I need to change.  I need to understand if I am an enabler-who is faithful to a fault and if so, I need Him to help me!  God does not always answer me quickly, sometimes He lets me think, cry, argue with myself, ask questions and when I stop thinking and be still in Him, He might answer.  This time He did.

He let me know, Yes... it is true.
I am an enabler, I am faithful to a fault- but to Him... it's not bad.

UNDERSTANDING 

Years ago I heard a man say:  "Every negative trait is a positive quality that is misused."  That means everything we do has a flip.  We can be judgmental or we can be a critical thinker.  We can be frivolous or we can be lighthearted.  We can be emotional or we can be impassioned.  Maturity helps us fix a natural trait that is not beneficial to those around us.  That is the basis of what God used to help me.

ENABLER: -a person or thing that makes something possible.

Enabling can be good, or bad, and it is not in the eyes of the beholder, it is in the eyes of God.  See,  I enable people to decide for themselves what they want to do and how, I will give counsel, but I don't DO it for them or disown them when they don't do something MY way.  I also will not be a constant reminder when they do it wrong.   I enable them to think for themselves, understanding I am not their Holy Spirit or their God.  I enable them to make mistakes without judging them or rubbing their nose in it.  I enable people to get help and go forward and live their lives without my constant interference.  As their lives begin to progress, I don't remind them that I helped them.  I let them live good, knowing that it was God who helped them.   Yes, I get it,  I am an enabler.

FAITHFUL: -loyal, staunch, steadfast... someone who is firm in their allegiance to someone or something.

I found that I really am faithful to a fault.  I will stay in places when God has not released me.  Whether it is a church, a relationship, a job, a friendship, or an event that I am totally bored at.  I will stay there, not necessarily because of the people, but because of God.  He may choose to keep me there for people, even when I don't see the benefit. 

I love my relationship with Him, I don't have to check with everyone else to do what He tells me to do.  I don't always agree with what He is doing or wants me to do, but my answer is 'Yes'.  Yes with tears in my eyes, Yes with no money in my pocket, Yes with critics watching my every move wondering why I don't just leave.  I really am FAITHFUL TO A FAULT!  I have stayed on jobs where I was threatened with termination because of others mistakes,  just to pray and see the supervisor removed and me get their place.  I am FAITHFUL TO A FAULT!  And God has been faithful to me in the midst of my fault...

I encourage you, be steadfast in your faith, learn to trust God in every situation.  Don't be moved by people's opinions as to why you don't do what they would do, you don't serve them. God is the only constant one in our life, who knows us and still works in us to do His good pleasure.   I know I am not the most obedient child in the world, but He is still working in me!  I thank the Lord for helping me to see the good in the midst of what was meant for bad.  I am and am still learning to be FAITHFUL TO A FAULT..... but only to God.... 

 Because I find NO Fault in Him! 

****** DISCLAIMER: Understand, if you are in a relationship, on a job or at a place that God has told you to go, but you are scared, worried about people or just disobedient, that is not what I am talking about.  There are times God tells you to move and disobedience is not faithfulness; it is not good to dismiss God's voice over people's.  But if God has told you to stay put, faithfulness is seen in your obedience to Him, not to your circumstances.

#MeToo Surviving Sexual Assault #5 "Guilty Until Proven Guilty"

Today I want to take a different and final approach to the topic of Sexual Assault.  I believe I am a fair person, so I often will look at things from differing views, this is one of them.

I remember well the young girl who accused him of assaulting her.  She cried and was really broken behind his actions.  Her mother did what was expected of her, she reported the crime, got counseling for her daughter and began to watch everyone around her children.  

The news of his horrible crime spread quickly.  People on his job were shocked, family members were ashamed, his neighbors talked about how 'he seemed to be so nice, but you never know who lives next to you'.  He lost his job, lost his family and had a record... until they found it was all a lie.

Once it was revealed that he was indeed NOT a sexual predator, everyone sighed in relief, some loosened the grip on their children and went back to their normal lives.  But not everyone had that opportunity...  His reputation was marred for life, his wife had already left, his children were embarrassed and talked about at school; (along with prodding by officials about their relationship with their father),  his job replaced him and people stared at him with uncertain recognition.  He  and his family would forever be changed, regardless to her story change.

INNOCENT UNTIL ...

I have sat on a jury or two and I know that our laws state that people are innocent until proven guilty.

In other words, the prosecution must prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, each essential element of the crime charged. 

This is something we say we uphold, but do we?  When we are able to get news in real-time and everything LOOKS like we think it looks, in our minds... guilt is already determined.  One thing we have to be careful of is false accusations.  A child can be asked so many times by a parent IF someone has ever touched them, that they think they are answering wrong and they finally say yes.  

Proving Sexual Assault is not a small thing, it is important to get facts right, to report it, to assist victims, but also to ensure that a crime has actually been committed before ruining someone's reputation.  Today we see so much  going on... one day it's business as usual,  the next day you have lost endorsements, job opportunities and credibility in the minds of people who once loved you.  If we are not careful, we can go against one of the most sacred principles in the American Justice System-  You are innocent until proven guilty. 

Understand, I am not taking up for all those people who are rightfully accused, tried and convicted but I am just wondering where the "Proof Beyond a Reasonable Doubt" is.  This is one reason why we have to begin to report things as they happen, it's much harder to get people to recall something that happened 40 years ago especially when some of the witnesses are dead and gone. We do ourselves, the system and other potential victims a disservice when we wait, when we say nothing.  Say something now while the evidence is there.

ANOTHER THOUGHT

This is my final thought on this topic.  Being wrongfully accused is not new, especially to groups of people who have lived with this for years.   Without trying to go into it too far, we have to admit that many people have had to fight the thought of guilt just because of where they are from, their religion, their race and other things that make them  'LOOK guilty'.  The feeling that you can be shot at because you looked like you were doing something wrong, or you were outside after dark and looked like you were up to something, or in a neighborhood where you didn't 'belong'.   Then there are the false witnesses who swear it was you, or looked like you, or had your same body build or same race.  Some people have sworn that the person they saw was the person in custody, then they recant after the person has served time for a crime they did not commit. 

This false sense of being innocent until proven guilty is now being felt by a new group of people that has never had to deal with it this way before. Their status and power has caused people to put up with and joke about behavior that is nothing but criminal.  Fear of retribution has caused victims to suffer silently, until now.  It has become popular to call out accusers openly, and other possible victims are jumping on the bandwagon of strength in numbers. 

Innocence or guilt is not even being talked about.  Granted, many of them may well be guilty according to their own words, but whether they are or not, they are losing stuff quickly.  It is hitting them beyond just their reputation, it is hitting where it hurts them most...their pocket books, their portfolios and possibly their freedom.  

Think of all the people who jump on the bandwagon... so many faces next to the original accuser, much like witnesses who swear to guilt.  It may or may not be true, but today we are watching what entire groups of people have complained about for years.  Injustice in the Justice system.  A system that does not give you due process, where there is an assumption that you are guilty and whether you are or not, you have to live with the consequences of the accusations of others.

I know there are men and women cringing in their seats today if they know they have made any sexual advances that were not wanted.  To think you can look on the television any day and see someone you violated- accusing you. Know in this current environment, you may not have the opportunity to prove your innocence before people assume you are guilty.  

The Tables Have Turned.  

Victims of sexual assault have had to live with fear and flashbacks and now their accusers do too.  It sure pays to treat people right.

#MeToo Battling Sexual Assault #4 "My Best Life!"

THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

I remember a story I heard years ago about a father who's child was hurting.  The child had a horrible ear infection and it was not only causing excruciating pain, it was also causing their equilibrium to be off.  This loving father took their child to the doctor and part of the treatment included them inserting something in the ear to clean it.  A mirror lined the far wall where they laid the child.  Because they expected the child to resist, he was asked to hold his child down while they did the procedure. His heart was hurting as he heard the first scream, tears welled up in his eyes as he continued to hold the child down.  At a certain point, the father looked up and his eyes fell on his child's reflection in the mirror, he was so consumed by the screams that he didn't know his child was looking at him.  The mirror reflected the agonizing pain in the face of his  child.  He continued to hold his child down even though it was as if the child's eyes were begging for help, wondering "why won't you stop them?"

THE TURMOIL

I learned early about the drain that emotional turmoil brings, it is very real. We can't minimize the feelings of hopelessness, depression or despair because they are very real.  There are even other emotions that make no sense to someone on the outside, like a woman who found her daughter was being molested by her step father and she did what any good mother would do, she reported it.  What she didn't realize is that after he was taken away from her, she would no longer be able to look her daughter in the eyes, because somehow she became 'the other woman', the one that made her lose her man. That family took another hit when the mother sent her child to another place to be raised, just so she could have peace.  Imagine what that did to the little girl. Most of us can't understand that, but it is a reality to many.  So understanding that you are not weird because you are reminded of things in ways that bring bondage.  That is the enemy's plan, to bind you. 

DRYING YOUR TEARS

I try to be very careful about how I handle the great people of God.  I don't intend to minimize anyone's hurt or struggle.  Typically when people come to me for help, they are tired of crying.  Nothing wrong with crying and getting in touch with your pain, but I really can't do that too long.  I have too much to do, and it starts to wear on me in a different way. So part of my purpose is to help people see God in the midst of whatever is going on.  I am not much help to those who want to talk a lot about the pain, relive the pain or for some... waddle in it.  I know my area of strength and it is to help you dry your tears.  I understand not everyone receives from me, and that is okay; God has plenty help in His body of believers for all of us. 

One thing about sexual assault is the fact that the residue of it is supposed to follow you every day for the rest of your life.  You are not supposed to enjoy a intimate relationship with yourself, with God or with others. The enemy will see to it that you have reminders that don't allow you to go forward and enjoy your best life.  You have to know when your tears have fallen too much, and it is time to dry them.

STEPS TO YOUR BEST LIFE 

We won't have time or space to walk you through every step to wholeness, but I will give you a few things to help you begin.   Some may have to see a counselor  to work through some deeper issues, but others can simply work through these steps.  

First thing we all know... we have to learn to FORGIVE.  We have all heard it, avoided it but it will always come back.  Yes we have heard forgiveness is for you, not the offender.  That is true, but we have to know that forgiving gives you access to God's grace and power that comes through simple obedience to Him.  When we ask God to help us forgive and do that from a real place, He draws near to us to empower us to do His will. Grace comes, favor comes, power comes from God to a heart that is yielded to His word.  Forgiving does not mean not reporting it, it does not mean you have to prove it by being in that person's company, it simply means "I release you from my list of people to get back at, and I leave you in God's hands- while trusting that God will bring you into a relationship with Himself."  Part of forgiving is praying for God to work in their life, not on our behalf, but on His.

Another step is to READ THE WORD.  Find out what God really thinks about you.  I highly recommend a book entitled "Victory Over Darkness" by Neil T Anderson. This book will challenge you to know and understand who you are and help you walk in it. He has a second book "Bondage Breaker" that is also powerful.  I read through both of them in my early 20's. 

The last thing I will mention here is to DISCOVER AND WALK IN YOUR PURPOSE. We often underestimate the power of purpose.  It keeps you in line, it keeps you living, it keeps you growing in grace. It helps keep your mind focused.  Walking in what you are called to do is powerful.  Every experience you have been through helps with your purpose.  Not because God chose the evil people have done to help prepare you, but because He always works ALL things together for your good and His glory.  It works together for you by faith and by default. 

YOUR BEST LIFE 

The decisions you make and the things you put in place to have a better life has to be stronger than a counseling session, more permanent than a hashtag. You have to really believe what God has said about you.  Not quote it, rally around it, but really KNOW and walk in it.  This brings overcoming power in your life, power to overcome the flashbacks, bitterness and unforgiveness.

Don't allow anyone who victimized you to win. Don't allow the devil who motivated them to win. You have a life in front of you, and when you realize you have cried your last tear, you can push forward and find out exactly what opportunities  are out there to find wholeness, enjoy your today and help someone tomorrow.  Your Daddy God is in the fight with you, He sees your reflection in the mirror of life's situations and He knows that you are hurting. But more than anything else, He knows that the process is good for you, once the mess of what has happened to you is cleaned out, you are going to come out alright.  You will regain your equilibrium and walk in victory! 

When the tears for your situation cease you are ready!  When the tears you now cry are for people who are on the journey you have finished, that is when you know you are at another place.  That is when what you went through is now used to strengthen others.

Your best life also comes when you know it is yours. It comes when you prepare for it by putting the good stuff in place of the bad.  It comes when you choose to see where you are going instead of where you have been. It comes when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt  that all that the enemy has intended for evil in your life is destined to work for you good!   

Dry your tears, and be glad, God will turn your mourning into dancing! Neither the enemy nor your offender has enough power to stop you now.
So go forward, and Live your Best Life!

#MeToo- Battling Sexual Assault: "Somebody's Gonna Pay!" #3

In our nation today, we have a lot going on when it comes to sexual assault. Every week it seems, we hear about another encounter that happened years ago  that has been brought to light.   

Scary.... at least for those who have been abusers.  It seems a huge cover has been pulled off, and anyone under the blanket of sexual misconduct, is running for a new cover.  I can't imagine how it feels to know that if your victim is still alive, they can simply sit at their computer and out you. Scary.... 

One thing that seems evident is that people are not timid anymore about making you pay for your actions.  The climate is such that they know they can be heard and believed.  Sometimes within 24 hours, decisions have been made: jobs as risk, opportunities dropped, endorsements removed and money lost.   What a  price to pay  for something that is supposed to be natural turned wrong, turned perverted.   If you are someone who enjoys the chatter and sexual banter at work or in other areas outside a committed relationship, you may want to consider your future and make decisions past the moment.  Take note, because in this climate.... Somebody's gonna pay. 

SOMEBODY'S GONNA PAY!

I think one reason why it is so much easier to bring someone's wrong to light is because people are tired.  Tired of carrying it every day, tired of the powerful getting away with things that are supposed to be unacceptable.  You might think the victims are exaggerating, or jumping on a band wagon, or perhaps they are just an angry group of people trying to get back at someone years after the hurt ... and you may be right.  But don't forget WHY.

Aside from the abuser paying later,  many others who were victims have had to pay the price of Sexual Assault since day one.  See there is a hidden cost that is no longer acceptable to put at the end of a bad experience in small print.  People are realizing  the price they have paid in silence. Not BECAUSE of their silence, just in the midst of their silence.  Many a marriage has ended, family relationships severed, opportunities for love lost; not to mention the mental anguish or sleepless nights. The years of feeling something is wrong with you and believing it- without any proof.  Some of the price that has been paid is purpose that was not realized or fulfilled because something in the back of your mind says "Not You".   If you are someone who has suffered in your life due to memories that you can't shake, I want to encourage you to push for healing, push for peace.  It's not easy, but why would you choose to pay for someone else's actions? Even if you have no intention of 'outing' the abuser, or perhaps they are dead and gone... you have a right to own your life and live without paying for their wrong.

CARRY YOUR OWN REP

I have talked about this before and I'm really funny about some things.  I don't like allowing others to carry my reputation. As one of many Christians, we can't help it, we are stuck with the reputation of what someone who 'call' themselves a Christian does.  In the name of Christianity, people choose to hate, to ridicule, judge and treat unbelievers in ungodly ways.  I am stuck with that reputation until people see a difference in me.   Daily I pray I can carry the reputation of Jesus Christ in a positive way. 

Some believe sexual assault can leave you jumpy, distrusting anyone, unable to connect emotionally with someone else, angry and vengeful.  As a survivor of sexual assault, you have to make your own rep.  You don't have to allow the same narrative to be true in your life.  You can live, love and enjoy your relationships. I know that depending on the type of assault, the person and how close they are to you daily, it can be difficult... but carry your own rep.  Be the kind person you are made to be, be the giving, and loving person you are capable of being.  There is no reason to be vindictive, angry, suspicious or sad, that is a reputation that you do not have to own.  

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR YOU

We may not be able to change what was done to us, but we become more than conquerors when we can change the affect of it on our life.  That is the victory that no one can take from you, the fact that what was meant for evil, didn't work.  Own your life, live your life, make it good and remember...

"The best revenge is living good."